Category Archives: Humor

Random Hermit Generator

May 22, 2012 10:20 am / 14 Comments / Chris

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Heikki Hallamaa said:

If it’s OK to ask for another, then I’d have a use for a table full of weird hermits.

Milarepa, Greta Garbo, John LeCarré and Nikola Tesla having dinner. I’ll be here all week.

Here you go, Heikki. Roll five times.

Random Hermit Generator

Roll 1d10 five times	Obsession	Converses with	People Tolerated	Quirk	Secret
1	Meditation	No one	No one	Talks in rhyme	Related to party member
2	Prayer	Birds	Children	Crawls on all fours	Noble birth
3	Math	Plants	Sick people	Calls everyone same name	Great Swordsman
4	Botany	Animals	Lovers	Farts constantly (hilarious)	Spying on local child, waiting to train when old enough
5	Magic	Rocks	Most Unlike Self	Collects others’ hair	Wanted for crimes
6	Animal Husbandry	Invisible Friend*	Minstrels	Great cook	Former entertainer
7	Monster Biology	Ghosts	Seekers	Talks backwards	Veteran
8	Translation	Puppets	Lowest Caste	Picks same lock all day	Is a polymorphed monster
9	Supernatural Events	Dead Mother’s Corpse	Perverts	Herds cats	Nothing
10	Apocalypse	Roll again, but this time the results are imaginary	Anyone with food	Writer	It’s all an act

* In the interests of clarity: a roll of 6 means a real, invisible friend. If you roll a 10 then a 6, then the invisible friend is not real. If someone talks to an imaginary rock, then the rock is not real but he will swear he has to squeeze by this boulder (that he talks to) to get into his cave. OR, if you roll a 10 then an 8, he thinks he has puppets on his hands and basically converses with his hands. A 10 then a 9? Mom might be alive. Or he might have someone else’s skeleton (maybe someone obviously not his mother, like a dwarf). Have fun.

Still reading? You must like tables! Here’s some more!

Posted in: campaign window dressing, humor, legacy D&D / Tagged: bring it, hermits, tables

The Odd Ones Are Better

January 9, 2012 5:18 pm / 3 Comments / Chris

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D&D has the opposite problem of the Star Trek movies, so it’ll be interesting to see how Type V turns out.

Posted in: commentary, humor

8 City Watchmen & Why They Hate You

December 28, 2011 6:08 pm / 1 Comment / Chris

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z says:

8 City Watchmen & why they hate you/are dangerous.

Millius doesn’t like anyone with pointy ears, fair skin or long beards. You have all three, scrub.

That was Brandhauer’s (1d4: 1- Sister, 2- Wife, 3- Mother, 4- Dog).

Manchester likes you. So much he wants to add you to his collection over the fireplace.

Dorset is really not so much dangerous himself as he has a jealous oni lover he doesn’t know about.

Procett hates this city. He hates his job. He loves to put poison on his knives, however.

Mumps has, er, the pox. Every round of combat with him you have a 1 in 4 chance of contracting a terrible disease. See my necrotic disease table.

Offord is a classist. He hates anyone above the status of a streetsweeper. He is only a guard because he needs to afford medicine for his mother. You look like you have some gold, guv’na.

Billford is pretty sure you are a lycanthrope. He has silver arrows and other wards. He will catch you in the act of transforming, yes indeed. Or he might just kill you before it comes to that.

Posted in: campaign window dressing, humor, legacy D&D / Tagged: bring it, npcs

Alchemical Mishaps Table

December 22, 2011 6:24 pm / Leave a Comment / Chris

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I haven’t forgotten that I owe a table of NPC motivations. I’m still working on it, which is probably overthinking, but I have to go through that stage with everything first.

For now:

TheJollyLlama875 says:

Alchemical item mishaps! As many as you can think of.

OK, first of all: nice Animaniacs reference. Now:

I’ve interpreted this to mean this is what happens when you drink a potion is made by a new or feckless alchemist, mage or witch. I can only type in twenty, as the potion I just drank is rather strong.

Alchemical Item Mishaps
roll d20	Effect
1	potion is undrinkably bitter. no effect.
2	potion is sweet, attracts 10d100 angry killer bees.
3	tastes great, less filling. Has no effect.
4	piss fire for 1d6 weeks. (okay, I know what you’re thinking. 1d3 damage short range missile attack thrice per day for male characters. cone attack for females)
5	potion works, but rots all your teeth out instantly, no save. (had dreams of this one? me too.)
6	potion works, but you are drunk (-8 dex, -3 saves) for 1d6 hours.
7	fails. aphrodisiac combined with not-choosey-at-all effect.
8	works. crossed eyes for 1d6 days.
9	doesn’t work, but 1d6 pixies fall in love with you and will follow you around for a week.
10	potion is perfect acid. eats though container, floor, goes to center of the planet when brewed.
11	works. flowers grow from every orifice for 1-3 weeks.
12	no noticable effect. become addicted to next potion you drink.
13	break out with acne everywhere until cure disease. -2 penalty to charisma.
14	potion works, but you now think you are some historical or legendary figure (a silly one)
15	the potion was harboring an earworm! minus two to anything involving intelligence for the next 1d8 hours.
16	a small head grows on the back of our neck and speaks very personal prophecy to anyone who talks to it.
17	everything between 15 and 100 feet from you is hit by a level 8 fireball spell
18	no one will believe you swallowed a liquid demon, but you are indeed possessed.
19	grow four extra arms below your regular ones.
20	you have reverse esp for 4 hours. anyone who looks at you knows your every thought. save or reveal any secrets or hidden notivations to any pc or npc that looks at you.

Want to request something? Post a comment here.

Posted in: campaign window dressing, humor, legacy D&D / Tagged: bring it, mishaps, potions, tables

July 3, 2011 12:02 pm / Leave a Comment / Chris

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Lamentations of the Flame Princess: The Motion Picture?

And most importantly, is that bear a unique bear made up for just this trailer?

Posted in: humor, legacy D&D, Uncategorized / Tagged: lotfp wf rpg, rolang not dead just pining

Elves Don’t Sleep

March 5, 2011 7:45 pm / 4 Comments / Chris

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This is just window dressing, but I think elves don’t sleep.

I was listening to a discussion over on the Roll for Initiative Podcast about whether AD&D ever said that they don’t. Clearly elves are immune to sleep spells in the old school editions, but actually needing sleep? While they were discussing it, someone IM’ed them and told them it was an option 2e rule from an elf handbook.

I am all in favor of elves never sleeping. To elves, sleep is a close cousin to death. they only sleep when sick or injured. Elves only have beds in their hospitals (or wherever they heal).

Elves don’t need bedrooms, even for lovemaking. They go to the woods or something. Having sex on a bed is, for an elf, akin to having sex in a coffin or on a gurney. Which is to say, some very few of them really love it, but most of them wouldn’t be into it.

So elves can handle the entire night’s watch, unless they need to rememorize spells. Maybe there should be some chance they will be distracted by visions or something. Otherwise, every party will have an elf. Ideas are welcome.

Me? I like anything that alienates elves from humans.

Half elves? Eh, don’t even get me started. I don’t think there are any.

Posted in: campaign window dressing, character race, humor, legacy D&D / Tagged: elves

Lilo’s Fish

January 19, 2011 12:09 am / 2 Comments / Chris

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Ok, I’m long overdue. Gonna steal this fish from a kid movie:

Hula Teacher: Lilo, why are you all wet?
Lilo: It’s sandwich day. Every Thursday I take Pudge the fish a peanut butter sandwich…
Hula Teacher: “Pudge” is a fish?
Lilo: And today we were out of peanut butter. So I asked my sister what to give him, and she said “a tuna sandwich”. I can’t give Pudge tuna!
[whispering]
Lilo: Do you know what tuna *is*?
Hula Teacher: Fish?
Lilo: [hysterical] It’s fish! If I give Pudge tuna, I’d be an abomination! I’m late because I had to go to the store and get peanut butter ’cause all we have is… is… stinkin’ tuna!
Hula Teacher: Lilo, Lilo, why is this so important to you?
Lilo: [calm] Pudge controls the weather.

Pudge lives in a local river or in the reef just offshore or maybe in a noble’s fountain. Of course, Pudge is a terrible fantasy name.

Roll 1d6:

1) Pudge is well known by the locals. He demands one newborn sacrifice per solstice/equinox or bad weather comes.

2) A local believes in him, but is considered mad. In addition to controlling the weather, Pudge impregnates skinny dippers. Pudge is the Sire of Merfolk, but ran away from his throne.

3) Pudge is a lungfish-shaped familiar grown from the lung of a local Mage.

4) Pudge is the local deity looking for his first cleric. Maybe one of your fighters is willing to change professions?

5) There is no fish. Pudge is a Chinese dragon.

6) Pudge is looking for his son. Wait–wrong movie.

Posted in: campaign window dressing, gaming with kids, humor / Tagged: humor

Eau de Bugbear

January 6, 2011 10:27 pm / 6 Comments / Chris

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Eh, you guys ready? Da buggahs is down da hill.

Yes, but they are also downwind. Here. Put this behind your ears.

What? You want Bragga for wife?

No, my erudite axetrix, just put on this parfum. The liquid in this bottle is the work of Enri de Karpani, a master of olfactory obfuscation. You will no longer smell like, well, this. We will all smell like them. I am not sure which is better, but the latter is certainly better for our heads.

Enri de Karpani’s parfumerie

GP per ounce (each ounce = 5 applications)

Kobald 100

Goblin 150

Orc 300

Lizardman 900

Bugbear 500

Northerner 100

Southern Warrior 50

Southern Noble 300

Soap (for you, free)

New this season:

Manticore 1,500

Posted in: equipment, humor, legacy D&D / Tagged: content, humor, perfume

Crazy Video Game-Style Boss Battles

December 27, 2010 12:37 am / 1 Comment / Chris

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I’m the last guy who’s looking to make D&D more like a video game, but every once in awhile, it can be fun to throw in something nostalgic.

Here’s a table for creating ridiculous boss battles, inspired partly by the Zelda series of video games. Have the party battle your big bad, be he wizard, lich or whatnot. When the final blow is struck, everything goes quiet. The foe laughs, dispenses some cryptic last words and then transforms into something else.

Decide on a new HP level, AC and attack level. Then roll 1d12 three times to get a form, an attack and a weakness. The weakness is either apparent because of the monster’s aura or after some experimentation. There should be some vulnerable moment after the monster attacks where the party can really exploit the weakness.

Rinse and repeat as long as it’s still fun! Please keep it as ridiculous as possible.

Roll 1d12	Form	Special Attack	Weakness
1	Spider or Insect	Fireballs (or, Iceballs, Lightning Balls, etc.)	Blunt Missile Weapons
2	Farm Animal	Sonic Shriek (50% chance to paralyze)	Arrows
3	Gigeresque Monster	Pounce or Charge	Elemental based attack (1d4, earth, air, fire, water). Has Aura of the opposite element of its weakness.
4	Demon Form	Tentacles	Blunt Melee Weapons
5	Bat	Death Rays	Sound-based Attacks
6	Giant Elemental (Roll 1d4 - earth, air, fire, water) then roll again for shape of elemental.	Breath Weapon	Illusions
7	Snake	Floor Smash Send Seismic Waves	Soft Spot on Body
8	Flower with Giant Eye	Quills	Environmental Effect (Sunlight, Water, Lava, Vegetation)
9	Giant Cat	Energy Drain	Blind
10	Ghostly Version of Previous Form	Bite	Enraged After Hit, -2 on All Attacks
11	Larger Version of Previous Form, but cracking part from massive power contained within	Lightning	Any Explosive or AOE Damage
12	Dragon (Breath Weapon + 1 other special attack)	Projectile Weapons	Called Shot Damage

[update: changed a few words. I need to stop writing posts so late.]

Posted in: content, humor, legacy D&D / Tagged: boss, tables, zelda

Why are Those Orcs Wearing Lipstick?

October 19, 2010 3:11 am / 2 Comments / Chris

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The party’s scout peers over the fence. Two of the orcs are stand in front of the others, dressed as orcish women with exaggerated femininity and impossibly buxom anatomy. Two others are walking on their knees dressed as halflings, smoking pipes and speaking in squeeky-high voices. One has a gigantic fake phallus emerging from his cloak. The rest of the camp is doubled over in laughter.

The popular play Courtship of the River Women is a comedy, an a raunchy one at that. The women of an orcish village decide they have had enough of waiting for their husbands, who are at war. They take on male halfling slaves as lovers. Most of the play involves the elaborate and comic ways in which the orcish women trick the halflings into bed. After many hijinks, the men return to discover their wives refuse to have sex with them until they give up war and take up farming (there is a repeating gag about the size of vegetables). The men listen thoughtfully, hold a pow-wow, then kill and eat the women and the halflings.

So it is a comedy by the definition of orcish poetics.

Posted in: content, humor, legacy D&D / Tagged: humor, orcs, play, surprise

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Category Archives: Humor

Random Hermit Generator

Random Hermit Generator

The Odd Ones Are Better

8 City Watchmen & Why They Hate You

Alchemical Mishaps Table

Elves Don’t Sleep

Lilo’s Fish

Eau de Bugbear

Crazy Video Game-Style Boss Battles

Why are Those Orcs Wearing Lipstick?

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