Tag Archives: Humor

Lilo’s Fish

January 19, 2011 12:09 am / 2 Comments /

Ok, I’m long overdue. Gonna steal this fish from a kid movie:

Hula Teacher: Lilo, why are you all wet?
Lilo: It’s sandwich day. Every Thursday I take Pudge the fish a peanut butter sandwich…
Hula Teacher: “Pudge” is a fish?
Lilo: And today we were out of peanut butter. So I asked my sister what to give him, and she said “a tuna sandwich”. I can’t give Pudge tuna!
[whispering]
Lilo: Do you know what tuna *is*?
Hula Teacher: Fish?
Lilo: [hysterical] It’s fish! If I give Pudge tuna, I’d be an abomination! I’m late because I had to go to the store and get peanut butter ’cause all we have is… is… stinkin’ tuna!
Hula Teacher: Lilo, Lilo, why is this so important to you?
Lilo: [calm] Pudge controls the weather.

Pudge lives in a local river or in the reef just offshore or maybe in a noble’s fountain. Of course, Pudge is a terrible fantasy name.

Roll 1d6:

1) Pudge is well known by the locals. He demands one newborn sacrifice per solstice/equinox or bad weather comes.

2) A local believes in him, but is considered mad. In addition to controlling the weather, Pudge impregnates skinny dippers. Pudge is the Sire of Merfolk, but ran away from his throne.

3) Pudge is a lungfish-shaped familiar grown from the lung of a local Mage.

4) Pudge is the local deity looking for his first cleric. Maybe one of your fighters is willing to change professions?

5) There is no fish. Pudge is a Chinese dragon.

6) Pudge is looking for his son. Wait–wrong movie.

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Posted in: campaign window dressing, gaming with kids, humor / Tagged:

Eau de Bugbear

January 6, 2011 10:27 pm / 6 Comments /

Eh, you guys ready? Da buggahs is down da hill.

Yes, but they are also downwind. Here. Put this behind your ears.

What? You want Bragga for wife?

No, my erudite axetrix, just put on this parfum. The liquid in this bottle is the work of Enri de Karpani, a master of olfactory obfuscation. You will no longer smell like, well, this. We will all smell like them. I am not sure which is better, but the latter is certainly better for our heads.

Enri de Karpani’s parfumerie

GP per ounce (each ounce = 5 applications)

Kobald  100

Goblin  150

Orc   300

Lizardman  900

Bugbear  500

Northerner 100

Southern Warrior 50

Southern Noble  300

Soap (for you, free)

New this season:

Manticore 1,500

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Posted in: equipment, humor, legacy D&D / Tagged: , ,

Why are Those Orcs Wearing Lipstick?

October 19, 2010 3:11 am / 2 Comments /

The party’s scout peers over the fence. Two of the orcs are stand in front of the others, dressed as orcish women with exaggerated femininity and impossibly buxom anatomy. Two others are walking on their knees dressed as halflings, smoking pipes and speaking in squeeky-high voices. One has a gigantic fake phallus emerging from his cloak. The rest of the camp is doubled over in laughter.

The popular play Courtship of the River Women is a comedy, an a raunchy one at that. The women of an orcish village decide they have had enough of waiting for their husbands, who are at war. They take on male halfling slaves as lovers. Most of the play involves the elaborate and comic ways in which the orcish women trick the halflings into bed. After many hijinks, the men return to discover their wives refuse to have sex with them until they give up war and take up farming (there is a repeating gag about the size of vegetables). The men listen thoughtfully, hold a pow-wow, then kill and eat the women and the halflings.

So it is a comedy by the definition of orcish poetics.

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Posted in: content, humor, legacy D&D / Tagged: , , ,

Smartass Earth Elementals

September 13, 2010 12:16 am / Leave a Comment /

Take your standard earth elementals and give them the ability to change shape and a sense of humor.

One gang likes to loiter near the entrances to adventuring destinations such as caves, towers, and abandoned temples. If they hear anyone approaching, they assume the form of petrified adventurers. To them, it’s fun to see parties suddenly break open their packs, cursing themselves for forgetting to buy or back a mirror, and proceed forward trying not to look at anything ahead of them. Sometimes they follow the adventurers into the dungeon and repeat the trick, just to see what sort of paranoia they can get out of them.

Recently they changed into the shape of the party that was approaching them, leading to all sorts of discussion about time travel and “shouldn’t we try to unpetrify them in case it’s us?” and “They are evil versions of us and we’ll have to fight them if you do it…”

Maybe if they are impressed with a party, or if the party somehow figures out they’ve been duped, they’ll give them a ring of air elemental control or something for being good sports.

Another elemental has stood as a statue in the capital of the Thracian empire for thirty years. Having destroyed and taken the place of a statue of Emperor Commodus Maximus, he has stood as the centerpiece to an outdoor temple in the great square. He likes to wink and blow kisses to passersby and will grow or shrink the size of his codpiece from day to day.

As the Maximus family has long taken pride in its virility and is sensitive to rumors of inadequacy, this has driven the current Emperor, Claudius Julius Maximus, to exasperation. The elemental is too heavy to move, for one thing, and cannot be damaged by normal stoneworking tools. The elemental’s next trick will be to grow a stone sword out of his back, a hint that Emperor Commodus did NOT die of malaria. Whether this is true is up to the DM…

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Posted in: content, humor, legacy D&D, monsters / Tagged: , , ,

The Possibly Poisonous Bogpiggie

September 10, 2010 12:36 am / 1 Comment /

The bogpiggie is the most poisonous critter in the known lands. At least I think it is.

It resembles a racoon with beaver teeth and porcupine quills, each tipped with a deadly poison that kills within hours.

Or at least the victim thinks so, and he or she is convinced he has hours left to live. He heard it somewhere. Maybe peepaw said it. Or the ranger who lives just south of the woods…

Anyone else with him, even a druid or ranger, will remember it differently and possibly know an antidote.

The bogpiggie is not poisonous, but has a natural and very specific aura of fear/confusion, which effects all who see it or encounter it (no save, not detectable as magic on the creature. dispell magic on victim works, though).

What other party members will recall (have them make INT checks for realism):

1- A special pink mushroom will cure it

2- It is a magic poison. Rubbing any magic potion on it will cure it.

3- It’s best to cut near the wound and suck out the venom (“I’m afraid yer gonna die, Tex.” comes to mind.)

4- Ogre spittle cures it.

5- It’s not poisonous. But it does carry lycanthropy.

6- The victim will turn to gold if he dies.

7- Singing will slow the poison.

8- The venom bestows magical powers.

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Posted in: legacy D&D, monsters / Tagged: , ,

What’s in the Wizard’s Mug?

August 19, 2010 4:30 pm / 1 Comment /

He is nowhere to be found, but the cup on his table still steams. Mmmm smells good! Just a sip…

1d8

1- A potent shrinking potion. You are now swimming in the cup alongside a drenched wizard.

2- Hot Green Slime. That’s what you get for mooching.

3- Vampire Blood. Just kidding! Tomato juice!

4- Potion of Charm. Fall in charm with a random companion. No save.

5- Dragon’s Urine. You may spit fire ten feet for 1d4 damage once per round in addition to your normal attack. Lasts two hours. Don’t ask what happens later.

6- Tomato Juice. Fooled you! Vampire blood!

7- Tiny Water Elemental. You will feel dizzy and out of sorts until it passes in 5 hours. -1 to hit.

8- Damn Good Coffee! Add 1 to all initiative rolls for the next 3 hours. Subtract 1 from all initiative rolls after that until sleep or more Damn Good Coffee!

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Posted in: content, humor, legacy D&D / Tagged: ,

HH Dalai Lama on Rolling up RPG Characters

July 23, 2010 2:50 pm / 2 Comments /

The Dalai Lama gives advice on character creation:

It is not just a person’s physical constitution, their intelligence, their education, or even their social conditioning that enables them to withstand hardship. Much more significant is their inner development. And while some may be able to survive through sheer willpower, the ones who suffer the least are those who have a high degree of patience and courage in the face of adversity.

Constitution and Intelligence sounds like D&D, but he mentions Willpower, which is Warhammer, right?

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The RPG Hydra

June 15, 2010 12:29 am / 1 Comment /

Hey this monster is cool. I can just give it a couple of extra hit dice and use him.

But you know, it would be pretty cool if I added this extra power to surprise the party.

You know what? The extra power makes more sense if I change its origin. Maybe instead of magical, it’s a form of fungus.

Hey, I could add it to that cave in the module I was going to write.

Hmm. That room is level four. I need to create levels 1-3 first.

Wait–if I’m going to do levels 1-3, I might as well use that village I was thinking about as the PC’s home base.

Oh but wait, wasn’t I going to have that faction of bowmen take over the town when the PC’s arrived?

Hmmm. I really wanted them to have tracking ability but not spells, so they are sort of like rangers, but all of them must choose vampires as their main enemy. I could house rule that, maybe…

Hey here’s a version of that class for the edition I want to use, but the setting makes more sense in a low-magic setting.

I know. I can use my notes on that campaign setting I was going to make to justify the low magic, the archer rangers and the vampires.

Where is that book on Charlemagne? I really need to model the empire after him.

You know, as much as I like this version of the game, the mechanics are all wrong for the setting.

Wow. $80 on ebay? I could maybe torrent the pdf’s…

Hey this system might work. How does it handle hit locations?

Screw it. I can make a better system than this.

Hey! Why doesn’t anyone ever have time to play?

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