Some Fantasy Prisons

Posted on January 30, 2012 by Chris

Dear Satan Claws,

I’ve been trying to be a good DM. Sorry ’bout that hell mouth thing. For Xmas could I please has a list of things the bad guys are doing with human and/or demihuman prisoners … or why the bad guys built a prison? & who/what the warden is in each case?

What are the bad guys doing to the prisoners?

Making them mine for mithril/gold/saltpeter/magic purple mushrooms. Because dwarves like the carving and the forging, not the digging. Supervisor: Bluebeard of Mangledroit

Testing the effects of purple lotus root. Warden: Mullifer the Alchemist.

Giving them an hour’s head start. Because man is the deadliest game of all. Host: Ranger Pud

Target practice for mages. Manager: Molgo the Banished

Food for manticores, sphinxes, minotaurs, dragons, vampires… Chef: Drexel (a drider)

Forging weapons and armor for the overlord’s army. Smithmeister: Drogo Hammertoe of the Foggy Mountain

The prisoners’ constant prayers for deliverance create enough psychic noise to hide a secret weapon or experiment from the prying eyes of the gods. Holy Representative: Archbishop Sylass

Breeding them with other demihuman and human races in search of the perfect soldier. Mixmistriss: Mellicent Woe

Parts for the flesh golem army. Master Surgeon: Doctor Fronk ibn Steen

Made to learn demonic script and read a specific text aloud in order to determine the correct pronunciation. When a new syllable is correctly pronounced, the prisoner is usually consumed by infernal flames or some other such fate. Warden Moxtras the Equipoised hopes to reverse engineer a new spell this way.

Prisoners are subjected 24/7 to the constant chanting of a dark mantra. Once they have given in and joined the chanting, some are released and sent out into the world, where they inevitable spread the mantra, which will bring about the end. No warden or guards. Just the Chanters.

This elvish re-education camp is used to create and seed stereotypical forest-loving, bow using, human magic casting elves into the world. These elves are used to cast a more favorable light on elves in general, who are actually quite alien in their emotions, comportment and sexual tastes. Headmaster: Fraringas Awemawë of the Thistle Meadow

Hobbits use orcish prison labor to dig their holes. As this also involves the use of giant worm-like creatures, there’s a high casualty rate. Site Manager: Gobbo Stoutbarrel

Prisoners of the gnomes are forced to manufacture magic wands in terrible living conditions. Head Whip: Fawkes Khan

Illusionist training camp allows illusionists to hone their art on the helpless prisoners. Sometimes prisoners are convinced that they have been freed and are living at home. CEO: Moringen Pumblebrot, Burghogoblin of Tandoor

A Few Guilt Trips for PC’s

Posted on January 29, 2012 by Chris

Ronson writes:

Six or more tragic background stories to be revealed when the PC’s have just victimized a hitherto faceless, nameless NPC (inadvertently or otherwise), which will force the PC’s to act either heartbroken and repentant or cruel and callous. (Or maybe just emotionally dead)

Ok, so your PC’s have been dicks to someone. How are you going to make them feel like crap for it? I’ve posted some below, but I gotta say there’s a good chance your players will just fall over laughing…

Hob was bringing that herbal concoction to his sick daughter when you crowded past him and pushed him over the edge fo the cliff.

Bram was born blind, but his eyesight was restored to him just this morning. He was travelling back to his village to see his wife for the first time when you allowed that band of goblins to take him hostage and behead him.

Helgan’s virginity was pledged to the Count in exchange for the release of a brother from debtor’s prison. Now you’ve ruined that plan.

Marianne had caught the Vizier’s eye and had his trust. She had the poison from the assassin’s guild and knew how to administer just enough to kill him and avid suspicion. Now that you have killed her, her daughter will be a ward of the Caliphate, under the supervision of the Vizier…

That was Tig’s dog you ate. Tig is seven and was born the same day as that dog.

Half-glove was a lieutenant in the guard for thirty years. He was going to retire in six days.

Luthien was an elf. He was eight-hundred-years old. He had travelled the length and breadth of this continent, had seen the most beautiful sights, could recite poems not heard in centuries, cook recipes once reserved for kings with ingredients found in any peasant’s cupboard, play the harp to make a demon weep, knew treatments for the worst ailments known to man, the location of lost kingdoms, supported the orphans of anyone who he’d known to die in battle and, in short, knew the secrets to worldly contentment and equanimity, held the keys to peace and was a treasure to any who had met him. Until you killed him for his horse.

[Look, I don't really think any of these will work but if they do, be sure to tell me.]

Also: a note to orsobuffo: I have been working on your request. It’s taking a bit longer than I want but you are not forgotten. I am going to do a few more requests before posting yours in the interests of not losing steam. The results will be either spectacular or craptacular.

23 Questions

Posted on January 18, 2012 by Chris

1. If you had to pick a single invention in a game you were most proud of what would it be?

The bogpiggie. Which I still need to use.

2. When was the last time you GMed?

Last Sunday for eight hours. LotFP.

3. When was the last time you played?

Last Saturday, for eight hours. As Magneto and then as a number of Muppets.

4. Give us a one-sentence pitch for an adventure you haven’t run but would like to.

The chase scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

5. What do you do while you wait for players to do things?

I remove corpse miniatures, determining that they have become zombies and will come get them later. No one ever notices this.

6. What, if anything, do you eat while you play?

I chew gum like it’s going out of style.

7. Do you find GMing physically exhausting?

Yes.

8. What was the last interesting (to you, anyway) thing you remember a PC you were running doing?

There was a magic mirror that would grant one inescapable wish. I wished that all magic throughout all universes and multiverses, arcane and divine, no longer worked or existed. All hell broke loose.

9. Do your players take your serious setting and make it unserious? Vice versa? Neither?

Neither. But my players are at conventions mostly, so there’s no rule of thumb there.

10. What do you do with goblins?

Make them very smart. A cross between the goblins in Harry Potter and the two monkeys in Madagascar.

11. What was the last non-RPG thing you saw that you converted into game material (background, setting, trap, etc.)?

I used this image as a sleeping giant last weekend in one of my sessions. It is from Adriaen Coenensz’ Vis booc (Fish Book), which is online here.

All the information is in Dutch, but the Google translating engine says that its actually a miscarriage, which was considered an ill omen from God.

I highly recommend this as a source of inspiration, even though most of it is about whales.

12. What’s the funniest table moment you can remember right now?

I’ll quote Barking Alien http://barkingalien.blogspot.com/2012/01/23-questions-with-barking-alien.html:

“This past Saturday, Sweetums opened his mouth to show that the Weapons Grade Grape Pop Rocks had turned his tongue purple…which resulted in him accidentally firing on all of the PCs and NPCs with what amounted to a gatling gun style release of candy coated shrapnel.”

13. What was the last game book you looked at–aside from things you referenced in a game–why were you looking at it?

I just got the prerelease pdf of PSI*RUN for preordering it. I wanted to see what these new kinds of RPGs are like and I had heard some great stuff about an X-Men-themed session run at NerdNYC’s Recess. Now I want to play and I also want to find a way to mash it up with Vornheim.

14. Who’s your idea of the perfect RPG illustrator?

At the moment, Adriaen Coenensz.

15. Does your game ever make your players genuinely afraid?

I did freak some people with Call of Cthulhu years ago, but I had these advantages: a table on a stage with curtains down, lighting, a fog machine and the Cocteau Twins.

16. What was the best time you ever had running an adventure you didn’t write? (If ever)

I ran Death Frost Doom a few summers ago. That’s the only time I can remember running a pre-written module.

17. What would be the ideal physical set up to run a game in?

Perhaps a table on a stage with curtains down, lighting, a fog machine and the Cocteau Twins.

18. If you had to think of the two most disparate games or game products that you like what would they be?

Tunnels and Trolls, LotFP

19. If you had to think of the most disparate influences overall on your game, what would they be?

Grant Morrson’s run on The Doom Patrol and Evil Dead.

20. As a GM, what kind of player do you want at your table?

Willing. Enthusiastic. Open-minded.

21. What’s a real life experience you’ve translated into game terms?

Got nothing for this one, sorry.

22. Is there an RPG product that you wish existed but doesn’t?

Something like Planescape, adapted for OSR, using less AD&D-specific cosmology. Big influences would be Neil Gaiman & Grant Morrison. Guess I better wrap up current projects and get on that.

23. Is there anyone you know who you talk about RPGs with who doesn’t play? How do those conversations go?

I sometimes talk about ideas with my wife, who until Sunday had never played an RPG outside of video games…

Me: The first time I ran it, they ended up releasing Loki and triggering Ragnarok, but this time I.. blah blah blah

Her: Uhuh. Well that’s interesting.

But now that she’s played (LotFP, a Cleric) and wants to try again, I have no answer anymore.

Why’s it so dark in here?

Posted on January 18, 2012 by Chris

Why is it so dark here?

Roll 1d6

1 – You didn’t buy enough torches, idiot.

2- We’re inside of a bag of holding.

3- Lurker Above.

4- No idea, but–say, is that a mynock?

5- “Character is what you are in the dark.”

6- SOPA.

Update on ‘Bring It’

Posted on January 13, 2012 by Chris

Last December, as a way to get myself back into writing stuff for our game, I offered to write tables, lists and other stuff on request in a series I’m calling ‘Bring It’. I said I’d donate a dollar to charity for each request I get. So far, I’ve gotten 33 requests and I’ve posted 15 replies.

For this first month’s requests, I’m donating $35 to the Food Bank for New York City, which should help feed one child for two months. The food banks around the country have been hit hard this last year, so if you can donate food or money to your local food bank, please do.

I have to finish preparing for the con game I’m running Sunday. I’ll be posting more after the weekend.

Twenty Fantasy Locations

Posted on January 11, 2012 by Chris

worthstream says:
What about a list of weird fantasy locations?The city built in the ruins of an ancient spaceship, an other things like that.
I’m only doing it for the charity, enslaving you to do my work has *almost* nothing to do with it

A gleaming, prosperous medieval city in the belly of a leviathan.

Each legislator is dimension-shifted onto the face of a playing card. This is known as the Parliamentary Deck.

Tavern on the Green. Dragon.

The prisoners work in a large noodle shop.

A civilization on the wall of a giant canyon. At the bottom: animated skeletons.

The Empress loves her teapot orchestra. You simply must attend the concert that about to start.

A spaceship built with the ruins of an ancient city.

The Opera House of the Gods.

Satan’s Hospice.

The Tomb of the Unborn Soldier.

Orchard of Unforgivable Wishes.

A dungeon crawl through the insides of a dead giant.

Dracula’s Vineyard.

The Law Offices of Chaos & Chaos.

Isle on the Sea of Molten Confusion.

A mountain of clear glass.

The bowels of an intra-planar steam-powered organ.

The last outpost at the edge of the world.

City built with stone from a far-away profane mountain.

Bottom of a waterless ocean. The sea life has learned to breathe air and levitate.

You can make a request here.

Twenty Quirks of Dwarven Culture Relevant To Whatever Your Players Are Doing Right Now

Posted on January 9, 2012 by Chris

Stuart says:
20 Quirks of Dwarven Culture Relevant To Whatever Your Players Are Doing Right Now

I don’t know what your players are doing right now, although I suspect they are eating cheetos or drinking or texting someone while you read my blog. Instead of trying to be universal, I decided to come up with twenty situational quirks, most of which are cultural. There are no numbers on these because they are all 100 percent guaranteed to be equally true.

Dwarves lose *all* their hair if they stay aboveground on sunny days for more than a week.

It takes over a decade to regrow all their hair.

Eighty percent of dwarves are loudly and violently lactose intolerant to the fine cheeses served at most human and halfling courts.

Dwarven women do not have beards, but during the courtship season (autumn) married women are required to wear fake beards. These are usually made from their husband’s beard hair.

If you sneeze near a dwarf, he must say an annoyingly long prayer for the wellbeing of his ancestors, who could have been startled by the sound.

Dwarves are expected to get tattoos of their accomplishments, family tree and a map on the back of any lands they have been to beyond their home.

Dwarves have naturally fresh breath. To one another.

Dwarves are forbidden by ancient custom to eat anything that walks on two legs or less unless they killed it themselves. However, if they kill anything with less than four legs, they must eat at least a small piece of it. This means there are few wars between dwarves.

Every year on this day, dwarves by custom must give away all pay, prizes, gifts, loot or other windfall they receive. They must give it to someone who is not related, not a neighbor or business partner or somesuch and who has nothing. Halflings call this day ‘dress like a destitute’ day.

On any day except the above, a dwarf must accept any tangible gift offered him if it seems harmless. Even a cursed item must be accepted and overcome.

Unless attacked, dwarves do not acknowledge the presence of their above-ground cousins the anti-dwarves (or whatever you want to call them). They are not being rude. They involuntarily do not see them.

Dwarves refuse to help lift anything taller folk are also lifting.

Dwarves are shy when it comes to interracial sex, but frequently fall in love with taller folk.

You cannot get a dwarf to pay the regular price. They always insist on paying more as a sign of pride.

A dwarf will not, however, give you even the smallest discount.

Dwarves have perfect pitch, but only on their own musical scale.

Dwarven villages will provide free hospitality to strangers who can wrestle and best their strongest ox.

Dwarven culture is athiest, but they have gods. These gods are symbolic, but are spoken of as if real. There are no temples, but plenty of god-related booster clubs.

No stranger is allowed to turn down a duel challenge when in dwarven territory.

Their drinking contests are not to see who can drink the most before passing out but to see who can lift the heaviest object after an equal amount of drink.

One hand is for weaponry, the other for wiping. No one is quite sure which (even dwarves) so it varies by individual on occasion.

Dwarves are bad at counting lines of text.

You can make a request here.

The Odd Ones Are Better

Posted on January 9, 2012 by Chris

D&D has the opposite problem of the Star Trek movies, so it’ll be interesting to see how Type V turns out.

What Does That Weird Busted Goblin Machine Do?

Posted on January 5, 2012 by Chris

Ricardo Signes says:

“What Does That Weird Busted Goblin Machine Do?”

What Does That Weird Goblin Machine Do?
roll d20	What it does
1	dehydrates potions into pills.
2	turns any humanoid race into another humanoid race at random.
3	turns any humanoid race into a goblin.
4	creates harmless cattle of random flavor.
5	attacks as level 10 fighter. ten slicing blade attacks as +3 vorpal blades.
6	spits out a hundred pythons.
7	answers questions about the dungeon/region. just like goblins, they always say the opposite of the truth.
8	demon vending machine.
9	a mechanized exo-skeleton that doubles your strength and defenses, but uses you to its own ends (usually attacks the party). you are not being controlled mentally–just physically.
10	distracts you from a much simpler machine in the room–one that doesn’t even look like a machine, but allows time or planar travel.
11	save at -4 or be charmed into trying to fix it for 1d4 months, sparing no expense to get it home, buy parts, etc. it cannot be fixed.
12	processes corpses into meat products.
13	circumsizes titans.
14	lays large eggs. what hatches?
15	dispenses 10 x d100 killer bees.
16	tells bad jokes constantly.
17	teleconferences with similar machine on far-away planet. 1D4: 1-aliens 2-faeries 3- demons 4-mirror universe versions of yourselves.
18	teleports party to mirror universe where alignments are opposite (and the shaved have beards).
19	mends armor and weapons, then eats them all and melts them down into ingots.
20	best cook on this side of planet.

Make your request here.

NYC Minicon: Recess

Posted on January 5, 2012 by Chris

Three or four times a year, NerdNYC hosts a one or two day minicon in the East Village called Recess.

Below, I’m posting the list of games schedule. As you can see, there’s RPGs and board games for just about any taste. I’ll be running two sessions of LotFP using Vornheim; one on Saturday afternoon and one Sunday evening. It’s the same adventure I ran last Recess, but hopefully it gets better each time.

So if you live nearby, be sure to drop by and play something.

I haven’t forgotten I owe some posts. I’ll be posting soon.

Recess Game Schedule (January 14&15th 2012)

by NERDNYC

Saturday, January 14th, 12-4pm

Saturday, January 14th, 6:30-10:30pm

Sunday, January 15th, 12-4pm

Sunday, January 15th, 6:30-10:30pm

See full descriptions of the games here.

Rolang's Creeping Doom

Old School RPG Play.